FAQ

I get VERY clingy when I'm in a relationship, how do I stop?

The answer to this may be complex but I can offer a simple suggestion: change your attachment style from anxious to secure. What is an attachment style? I am oh so glad you asked

4 main Attachment styles

  1. Secure - this is the ideal way to attach to others and the good news is roughly half of the population is securely attached. People with secure attachment freely display interest and affection towards others BUT they are also comfortable being alone. They make boundaries and they stick to them, they aren’t possessive nor are they passive or dismissive.

  2. Anxious - 20% of the population is said to be anxious meaning people who are often nervous and stressed about their relationships. They crave intimacy but feel doubtful about their own worth so ultimately they lack confidence that anyone will truly love them. People who are anxiously attached need affirmation from others so they have trouble being alone and thus often find themselves staying in unhealthy relationships long after the red flags started waving.

  3. Avoidant - people who avoid attachment are super independent and often uncomfortable with too much intimacy. They’re the kind of people who require a lot of space and a lot of alone time. They’re also afraid of commitment but unlike anxious people it isn’t because they fear they won’t get enough love but fear they will get more than they can manage. 

  4. Fearful avoidant - This is a combination of avoidant and anxiously attached. These are the people who push people away not because they want space but because they fear once you get too close you will want space. They are torn between fearing and craving a level of commitment they don’t think anyone can provide.

How do women orgasm?

There are a lot of studies/ polls that discuss this. So from formal research + from my 10 years of work in the field here is my estimate of how women regularly achieve orgasm

In the First stage of my relationship I'm always sexual and then it dies. Why?

In the beginning of our relationships neuroscience, our endocrine system and our nervous system practically do all the work for us. It's biological auto-pilot, psychological bliss aka the honeymoon phase. We aren't the only species that does this - in the beginning of a beaver relationship they mate constantly for days! But after we become accustomed to someone, our body dials back on how exciting we find this person and shifts to companionate vs passionate feelings. You can come up with your own reasoning for why mother nature does this BUT the point is after a year or so of interacting with someone sexually, our desire for them often shifts from automatic to manual drive.

So what does this mean? It means you gotta put in the work: You gotta find new ways to add excitement to your relationship, you have to engage in sex because you want to not just when you ferociously "need" to, mainly, you and your partner have to stop waiting for lust to just happen.

Don't stress you've done this before! Remember when you first got that guitar and you were SO AMPED to practice everyday? Then after awhile that thrill passed but you didn't give up because you realized the guitar was JUST as awesome as it had always been and the only thing that had changed was your attitude towards it. So you resisted the urge to quit, you kept at it and now you are the next Jimi Hendrix...Okay not really but I hope you get the point.

 

Why doesn't anyone want to date me?

This question is almost mathematically impossible but despite that, it's very common. The truth is not all of us won the looks lottery (just like all of us don't have LeBron's height) and if your physical appearance falls outside of the archetype then perhaps potential lovers don't just fall into you lap. But if Muggsy Bogues can make it into the NBA at 5'3 you can find true love despite how the odds are stacked against you. How? 1) You develop other parts of your game 2) You focus on what your natural gifts are! Seduction is a skill just like math or magic - the more you know about it the better you will be at it so get to learning!

I made a video about the different styles of seduction HERE check it out

I'm a cis-woman, why can't I orgasm during sex?

More than likely you're defining sex from the hetero-normative scope. Meaning sex begins with a man's erection and finishes with his ejaculation. This definition is fine for some but VERY limiting and misleading for a large percentage of the population - who like yourself - do not orgasm based on the activity or inactivity of a penis. 2/3 of women do not orgasm from penetration alone, they need focused stimulation of the clitoris which is the primary-pleasure-part for anyone with a vulva and vagina. The clitoris is a "button" above the vaginal opening and just below the top of the vulva. It has 8000 nerve endings and is best stimulated with fingers, a tongue, a vibrator or even water.

I made a video on this you can watch HERE

Why do I keep thinking about my ex?

Humans are pair-bonding mammals meaning we are biologically designed to need and love one another. A romantic bond is not dissimilar from a maternal instinct - it's just something we naturally know how to do and once we've turned on the light switch it can be very painful to turn it back off. Literally, your mind and body can be working against you when it comes to getting over your ex so you have to be stronger than your instincts and more persistent than your addiction to get through the initial phases of withdrawal. Trust me it only gets easier but it could be years or even a lifetime until you stop thinking about that person, even if just in passing.

Remember just being crave something doesn't mean you are meant to have something. If so, we would all have a strict pizza diet. Your basic instincts often doesn't know the difference between what's comfortable and what's healthy - but you do!

I made a video explaining this you can watch HERE